Thousands of spectators (to be honest it was more like a hundred and forty seven people) waded through the murky inner coastal waters of Hamtramck, to bear witness to one of the premier sporting events of the 21st century. Maybe even the 22nd century if they can keep this thing going. Jos Campau St was lined on both sides with water-balloon crazed idiots waiting to bombard anyone stupid enough to ride a three wheeled wooden canoe down a public street in the middle of the day.
Year by year the arsenal of water balloons has grown by leaps and bounds, and this year was certainly no different. Any young child hoping to buy water balloons this weekend would be shit out of luck, as Hamtramck residents sucked up the inventory of every party store within a 20 mile radius of the tri-county area.
From the get go, controversy was the order of the day, as the dirty rotten cheaters from the "Suicide Squad" team added a fourth wheel without the judges approval. The governing body of the Yacht Club, had to look no further than the rule book, which clearly states that four wheeled canoes are strictly forbidden in a three wheeled race. Go figure. A lengthy public debate ensued and after about 15 seconds, a forgiving public voted for the bastardized canoe to stay in the race, with the caveat that if they were to actually win, they'd probably be disqualified anyhow.
The opening heat pitted the New Dodge Bar canoe team against the four-wheeled Suicide Squad crew. While New Bar Dodge got off to a slow start, in the end, karma got the better of the Suicide Squad as there four wheeled behemoth wildly drove off course, almost decapitating a disappointed spectator who never had the chance to throw her balloon at the ensuing canoe. A disheartening experience for a first time spectator.
The second heat featured Suzy's Bar against the SS Holy Water from Jean's Lounge. The SS Holy Water was clearly in control (and blessed) from start to finish, as it made its way to the final round against the New Dodge Bar crew and the defending champions from the Polish Sea League.
The championship heat was loaded with suspense as the defending champs prepared to take on the previous heat winners. As if they ever had a chance, the SS Holy Water and the New Dodge Bar canoe were left in the dust, as the Polish Sea League claimed victory once again.
As a satisfied crowd slowly dispersed, an impromptu chorus of "three-peat..three-peat" could be clearly heard in the distance. Perhaps an omen for next years race? Time will tell.
Can you say dynasty?
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